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My Recovery Journey: I Won't Let The Past Be Erased
- heatherbeanoyler
- 7 days ago
- 6 min read
When Abusers Try to Erase the Past: Why I’m Speaking Out Again
August 20, 2025: A Date That Shouldn’t Exist
August 20th is a date that’s been looming on my calendar all summer long—one I never imagined I’d have to face. It’s the day my ex-husband will ask the court to erase the record of his domestic violence conviction against me. The same conviction that came after years of abuse, manipulation, and control. The same charge he pled to via an Alford Plea. The same charge that changed the course of my life after his arrest in July of 2019.
This isn’t just about a court date. It’s about justice, memory, and refusing to let the truth be buried—both in the legal system and in my life.
A Brief Reminder of My Story
If you’ve been following my Recovery Journey blog series (linked below), you know the truth:
In July of 2019, my ex-husband was arrested for aggravated domestic violence, interfering with a 911 call, and preventing me from leaving when I was trying to escape our home that night. Aggravated domestic violence involves (in this case) an increased risk of death or permanent bodily harm. He wasn’t charged with simple domestic violence—he was charged with aggravated domestic violence because that night, he threatened to kill me and attempted to strangle me as I tried to keep him from taking my car keys and phone while I was trying to leave in fear.
I say this so clearly now because I’m tired of hearing whispers like “I know he didn’t abuse you.” I’m tired of people believing my abuser. I’m tired of people thinking he’s just a “big teddy bear” who does good in the community. I’m tired of being blackballed from spaces and activities I once loved. The abuse was horrific and life-altering, but it’s the continued manipulation—of people who were once my friends and colleagues—that haunts me most.
In October 2019, I was coerced into publicly recanting my statement under fear and control. It’s one of the moments I regret most. I wish I had been strong enough not to fall for his manipulations—but I was scared. He made me believe that he “knew” what happened better than I did, and that I had remembered it wrong.
In May 2020, I entered a residential trauma treatment center in Florida after the abuse pushed me to my breaking point. My therapist and I feared for my safety during the pandemic shelter-in-place orders.
When I returned home in late June of 2020, I wasn’t free. I was hidden, silenced, and monitored for months to prevent me from being subpoenaed. My ex-husband’s attorney told him that if I couldn’t be found, the trial wouldn’t proceed. So between June and mid-October 2020, I wasn’t allowed to leave the house on my own. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t use my phone outside the house. I wasn’t allowed to post on social media or speak to most of my friends. Only a few even knew I was back in town—everyone else thought I was still in treatment.
The State’s Attorney investigator was outside our home nearly every day. I was even forced to lie down in the backseat of our car to avoid being seen when we were pulled over near our house.
Eventually, in early October, the State’s Attorney subpoenaed my stepfather and planned to put him on the stand to reveal my whereabouts. That’s when I reached out to my attorney and asked him to set up a meeting to accept the subpoena. In that meeting, I learned the prosecution was preparing to offer a plea deal.
In Spring 2023, I finally broke my silence. I reclaimed my story and began sharing the truth in my blog series My Recovery Journey.
This isn’t ancient history. This is an ongoing fight for truth and transparency. I was verbally, emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually abused throughout my marriage. My story, sadly, is not unique—but I promised myself in treatment that I would not let it be silenced. I would do everything I could to turn my pain into purpose and use my voice to help others like me.
Why I Oppose the Expungement
When someone is convicted of a violent crime, the public record exists for a reason. It isn’t just punishment—it’s protection. It’s accountability. It helps protect current and future victims.
My ex-husband wants to erase the paper trail of what he did to me. But what happened wasn’t minor. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was traumatic. It still affects me every day—despite therapy. It will affect my relationships, my sense of safety, and my healing for the rest of my life.
From my opposition letter:
“Allowing this case to be erased from public record is not justice. It is an erasure of my trauma, my personal statements, and the immense personal cost I bore in coming forward.”
This isn’t just about me—it’s about every survivor who watches their abuser dodge accountability with time, privilege, and image management.
What Happens When the Record Is Wiped
When a record is sealed, it doesn’t just disappear from a database—it disappears from memory.
It sends a dangerous message to survivors:
You’ll risk everything to speak up, only for the truth to be sealed away.
Abusers in power can outlast justice.
Victims’ voices fade while their abuser’s reputation is restored.
I won’t let that happen. I will fight to keep this on the public record—not just for me, but for every victim like me.
The Silencing Was Calculated
One of the most painful realizations in this journey is how deliberate the silencing was.
After treatment, I wasn’t allowed to live freely. I couldn’t talk on the phone. I couldn’t go outside—not even in my backyard. I lived in fear, because if I was served with a subpoena, I might testify. And if I testified, the truth would come out.
My ex-husband told me that if I ever took the stand, his legal team would “destroy” me—my past, my credibility, my character. He said he was “protecting me” by keeping me out of court. But if he truly cared, he never would have abused me in the first place.
This wasn’t protection. This was manipulation. This was witness tampering.
In September 2023, I told the State’s Attorney’s investigator everything—where I was, what I was forced to do, and how I was hidden. I was interviewed and recorded at the Family Justice Center. I still don’t know why nothing came of it.
From my opposition letter:
“He wasn’t just controlling—it was calculated. He was trying to make sure I wouldn’t testify so the trial would be thrown out due to lack of a witness.”
Justice Shouldn’t Expire
What message do we send when we allow this to be swept away? That silence wins? That abuse has an expiration date?
When I first heard in May that he was seeking expungement, I spoke with a victim’s advocate at the Peoria County Family Justice Center. She told me violent crime convictions are rarely expunged. But after everything I’ve seen in the past six years—how connections and privilege protect abusers—I no longer trust the justice system to do what’s right.
I’ve already lost so much for speaking up. Opportunities. Friends. Financial stability. Support. And yet I will still fight. I will not let him erase what he did to me—not from memory, not from history, not from the court record.
I speak clearly now because I’m done hearing:
“I know he didn’t abuse you.”
“She’s just saying this for attention or money.”
The truth? Telling my story cost me a lot. It didn’t pay—it took. And yet I’m still here. Speaking. Writing. Fighting.
Because the trauma was real. The aftermath is ongoing. And the public deserves to know the truth.
From my opposition letter:
"...allowing this case to be erased will make it significantly harder for future
victims—mine or others—to come forward. When survivors see their abuser’s record wiped
clean, it discourages reporting and reinforces the belief that speaking out comes with risk,
retaliation, and ultimately, no justice.
I urge your office to consider not just the legal precedent, but the societal impact. The justice system should protect victims, not shield abusers from the consequences of their actions.
Keeping this case on record protects potential future victims, preserves the integrity of the
system, and honors the courage it took for me—and many others like me—to come forward in the first place."
To Anyone Watching
If you’ve survived abuse— If you’re still being silenced— If you’re watching your abuser rebuild while you carry the weight—
You’re not alone. Your truth matters. I hear you, I believe you and I see you.
I am holding space for you. I always will.
If you believe in survivor safety, justice, and transparency—please share this post. Send it to someone who may need to read it. Talk about it. Post it. Help it be seen.
Follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and LTK for updates on this case and my advocacy.
You can also revisit my blog series: My Recovery Journey.
This wasn’t easy to write. It wasn’t easy to live. But it was necessary.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for seeing me. And thank you for helping me speak louder than the silence ever could.
With love,
Heather
Advocate. Survivor. Truth-teller.